Is nothing just a part of everything,
as shadows are to empty light and
how blackness is the presense of color?
Dark air from the smoldering cigarettes of war
burn blotches of butterfly coke stains
in our civilian lives -
voids - loose blood in the back of our brains,
trickling down into wells where
the presense of color turns to black holes.
This, misunderstood for nothingness,
absense, fear, lonliness,
places where absorption occurs,
where self-indulgence wreaks havoc on
"loves unto forever".
We're old movies of morals, and everything
is nothing when a black house
is painted white.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This poem really failed for me, gummy, I think because of your habit of getting a little too convoluted and abstract in your description. The opening three lines are decent, but from "Dark air" to the end of the first stanza, it just flops. The last stanza really saved it for me, though; the image of a black house being painted white is solid, yet meaningful. Stick with that idea, that blackness exists when all colors in the spectrum are present. Again, what you did in the last stanza with black house/white house = everything/nothing is much more sophisticated.
I like, gummy!
Sometimes your poetry just flies right over my head, but after a couple of read-throughs, I got a lot more out of this than I had on the first read. Clau pointed out all of the typos, I think, except for "lonliness." Just forgot the 'e' on that one. Other than that I didn't really see any typographical errors that haven't been covered.
I really liked "civilian lives - voids" and the second stanza especially. "Old movies of morals" has a nice ring to it, and the last three lines are just brilliant. Sounds so yummy too. Do you read your poems out loud usually? This one sounds sooo good when it is.
Provocative, and beautiful, overall. Nice work, as usual.
EDIT: Haha, I called you xan at first and had to edit that out. Sorry! Ari and sleep depravity don't get along very well... heh...
I really, really loved some of the metaphors use used, they flowed beautifully, but in some places they were kind of cluttered:
Here "coke" doesn't really work for me. Maybe because when I think of coke I think of soda, and you might mean the drug? But it seems to much to say "butterfly coke stains." I can't tell what you mean anyway but as a visual/metaphor, coke seems to overwhelm this one.I really, really love this part. This poem is a little hard for me to understand, I am not sure what you mean throughout or what you mean for me to think/feel but in the end, I like it, even if I can't comprehend it.
Beautiful! As you always seem to be.
Mmmm....
This seemed like a sophisticated poem at first read, but during the second read it all collapsed. I think this has been done before--darkness is light, death is life, etcetera, etcetera; but this is told in a different way, and I am not sure it's better.
" how blackness is the presense of color? "
This line completely breaks rhythm. Why don't you just say "is blackness the presence of color?"
"Dark air from teh smoldering citgarettes of war"
"Dark air" is telling, not showing. "The", not "teh". And I don't think the smoking cigarettes of war is well-thought-out for this poem. Cigarettes is a bad comparison to war, in my opinion.
"burn blotches of butterfly "
Nice alliteration!
"absense, fear, lonliness,
places where absorption occurs,
where self-indulgence wreaks havoc on
"loves unto forever"."
Here, you used way too many words that are hard to understand. "Places where absorption occurs"? What does that mean? And what do you mean by that last line?
"We're old movies of morals"
Ugh. What does this have to do anything with the house painted white?
I love those last two1/2 lines! SO original! And it conneccts so much to your beginning!
I think I've discussed everything, haven't I?
In any case, you MUST show-not-tell more and don't use words in abundance--shorten it as much as you can!
Oh boy, what to make of that... It's an interesting thought, but makes hardly any sense. "Black is the presence of color..." Huh?